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08/22/2005: "Internet Wishes Made Horribly Real"

Day 1
Happiness is a Warm Upper Lip

It's official, Tumble is growing a moustache.

After staking out the area for what seemed like days, I obtained photographic evidence of hair slowly overtaking Tumble's face.

When pressed for a reason, Tumble has been mum. Chestnut noted that Tumble's been hitting his Bukowski books again recently, and suggested that Tumble may be embarking on a pre-mid-life reinvention, to which Tumble has responded by pouring a pitcher of water into Chestnut's sock drawer.

As a writer, I feel that this new sore spot for Tumble cannot go unexplored, as it provides a rare glimpse at the man's vulnerabilities, which to date include finding Brigitte Nielsen sexy and crying during "The Iron Giant." As a roommate, it's touching to see Chestnut sporting a Duane Allman-like shoe polish moustache in solidarity.

Oh, wait. Replace "solidarity" with "an attempt to mock the living crap out of Tumble."

-F

Day 2
Mustache Rides: Under Construction

If it were a plant I would water it.


Tumble's mustache is not going according to plan, finding unstable purchase on Tumble's forbidding facial landscape. Tumble's taking it pretty hard, so Chestnut has suggested a night of drinking (what else) to cheer him up. Personally, if it will keep me from staring at the thing, I'll drink my own weight in schnapps (editor's note: I hate schnapps).

I hear Chestnut starting up the Honda. Inebriation awaits,

-F

Day 3
Internet Wishes Made Horribly Real

It seems like every time we go out, Chestnut ends up owing the government money.

Anyway, we were at a bar comforting Tumble over the state of his mustache.


Well, as they say, comforting + alcohol + time = ridicule.



Tumble drank a lot and left early in, for lack of a better term, a huff. Chestnut and I stayed around to finish our drinks and follow up on a girl that Chestnut had seen eyeing him all night (Turns out Chestnut was sitting under the drink specials board).

Anyway, this is what we discovered when we got home:



Let me break it down further. A newly shorn, thoroughly lit Tumble

explained to us that, in need of comfort, he had purchased the Hamm's Beer Bear. When asked to explain what a Hamm's Beer Bear is, Tumble went on a long rambing monologue about growing up that made little sense and contained even fewer distinct words. A quick google session later, we determined that the Hamm's Beer bear was a cartoon television beer pitchman in the late Seventies.


Hamm's Beer Bear

What Tumble had bid on was an Alaskan Brown Bear from a wildlife refuge.


Alaskan Brown Bear

To sum up:
Tumble


has purchased an Alaskan Brown bear

Item number: 59932939

from the Ukraine


for just under $11,000 on eBay.

Midway through a lecture on making one's bed and lying in it, Chestnut noticed that the eBay name on the screen was his. So technically, Tumble made Chestnut's bed. A phone call from the United States government quickly cleared up who had to lie in it and awarded Chestnut a $15,000 fine for animal trafficking (turns out those critters' gall bladders are more expensive than cocaine in Asia).

Our landlord Phil says it's just another government screw-job, and regaled us with a story of being caught with peyote at a gun show. Tumble has been appropriately guilt-ridden, and decided to make breakfast for Chestnut this morning as an apology.

Anyway, Tumble's alarm didn't go off, so he's driving it over to Chestnut at work as we speak.

-F